It Started With a Stretch and Sweep

I headed into my routine OB appointment at 38 weeks.

“Today we are going to do a stretch and sweep, it’s routine practice to ensure you don’t go past dates. You’ll feel a little pressure and some discomfort.”

“Oh ok sure.” I didn’t think anything of it, it was routine practice, I was unaware of birth in a technocratic system at this time. Still an indoctrinated nurse that thought birth was dangerous! Thank goodness for hospitals, saving all these babies and mothers.

I laid down on the little bed in the little office, put my legs in the stirrups, and was ready to be checked. No one else was in the room with me.

“Ok a little pressure now.”

A little pressure? I nearly jumped off the table! Cringing, trying to close my legs, as I gripped the sides and tears rolled down my cheek. It was excruciating! I remember thinking if I couldn’t handle that, how could I handle birthing a baby?

I wasn’t informed that my membranes were just manually separated from my cervix.

I went home, told spotting would be expected and normal after the procedure.

I didn’t know what to think. It didn’t feel right. But it was routine and normal, right?

Several days later I woke up, went to the bathroom, I started to pull my pants back up and then a little trickle went down my leg.

Uh oh.

Was that my waters leaking? But I’m GBS positive! My waters can’t leak!

Off to the hospital - where I was admitted from triage. My waters were leaking. Time to start on antibiotics, hooked up to an IV pole.

Contractions weren’t starting, baby wasn’t coming. But my waters broke and I was GBS positive. Can’t have that happen, time to induce! Set up the pitocin, begin the constant fetal heart monitor. Trapped.

This is all normal, as a NICU nurse I’ve seen this before. This is what happens right?

Oh the pain! I thought well as the pitocin gradually increases, I’ll gradually feel the increase in contractions. NO! I was wrong.

It was from 0 to GET ME THE EPIDURAL NOW! As more tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t bare what was happening, what I was feeling. Especially the unknown of it all. Is this what it was like?

Beyond trapped now. I was immobile. As (only one side) of my body was numb from belly button down. I couldn’t move my own legs.

Eventually, I was told it was time to push. Push! Down into your bum! Hold it! Count to 10! Now breathe! Ok do that again! 1 - 2 - 3 …. 10. Ok breathe. I feel another contraction coming on - the nurse informed me. Get ready to push down again.

Baby emerged, I couldn’t feel it. Dad was asked to cut the cord as the baby was placed on my chest.

Oh hello! It's Logan! Realizing it was a boy for the first time. You’re here!

(Very different then my last birth, where I looked at baby girl and said WE DID IT!).

Two days later, we were sent home to what would begin a horrific breastfeeding experience, where I was ripped raw, pumping strawberry milk. Crying at the thought of feeding my baby. Not bonding. Wondering why I was broken? Where were my maternal instincts? What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I in awe of this beautiful baby? Usher in more mom guilt…. Maybe I wasn’t meant for this….

It would be years later, when I would realize that nothing about that birth was normal. None of it was necessary. That it all led to how I felt in my postpartum recovery. I would realize that I entered into the labour funnel and thankful that I somehow managed to not end up in c-section as the funnel tip of the funnel.

It would be years later that I would realize it was a sexual violation.

It would be years later that I would realize….

It started with the stretch and sweep.


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