Logan Bub. 2015.

My first who changed my life in ways unimaginable.

I was working full-time as a NICU nurse completely indoctrinated into that world.

Where one fears birth, sees it as dangerous, absolutely no question of any other care than an OB. Midwives are seen as harmful, doulas are laughed at and homebirths should be illegal. The hospital is the only safe option for having a baby. This culture is vile and at one point one that I agreed with. You see the worst of the worst when you work in that setting, the fear runs deep, you begin to generalize this is what all births look like, complications are common, you don't know any different.

I never questioned my birthing options. I would have an OB, do all the tests and visits, have an epidural and just hope for a healthy and uncomplicated delivery. That's all that mattered, a healthy baby. How that baby entered the world was irrelevant to me at that point, as long as it was safe. My mindset with an epidural was why be a hero? There's no awards for having a natural birth and experiencing all that pain, why wouldn't you use the tools to make it easier? I was so ignorant.

I worked right until the end. My last week of work I saw my OB who suggested a stretch and sweep at 38 weeks to avoid going past my due date. I agreed, and was incredibly taken aback with how painful that particular procedure was. It was horrific to be honest. But didn't want an overcooked baby which could lead to issues so I wasn't going to question it.

As I had my last shift I was looking forward to having the week off to get last minute things ready for bubs arrival. Bub had other plans at 39wks. I woke up, went to the bathroom, stood up, and felt a trickle down my leg. I probably would have thought it was pee if a colleague hadn't told me her birth story several weeks prior where it started with just a trickle.

I woke up my husband, cancelled the day's shopping plans with my mom and said I think we need to go to the hospital, my water might have broke. I wasn't at this time experiencing any contractions.  Your water breaking without contractions could lead to complications (NICU mindset).

We arrived at the hospital, where several tests were performed including a stress test for the baby, an examination and an ultrasound, which finally confirmed my water did break.

I was allowed to walk a little down the hallways to see if contractions would start on their own. They did not. I was hooked up to an IV and pitocin was started. I thought ok a gradual IV, contractions should come on gradually. I couldn't have been more wrong. As the rate slowly increased, I was hooked up to a fetal monitor (policy when on pitocin to be on continuous monitoring), had a nurse 1 on 1 (they can't leave when monitoring started) and I wasn't allowed to eat (in case things didn't progress and I needed to have a csection - can't eat before surgery - rules).

I was smiling and conversing with my husband and nurse until I wasn't. The pain went from 0 to 100 without warning and I was in tears asking for an epidural. The epidural only worked on one side, so I could still feel my left even after adjustments. Once the epidural was in, I was bound to the bed on my back or side as I could no longer move from my waist down and needed help turning from side to side.

I remember the nurse being kind, and me still thinking all of this was "normal." I was checked routinely for dilation. A little more than 12 hrs after being admitted I was told I could start pushing. I needed to be told since I couldn't feel anything even though there was still pain on the left side I wasn't able to tell what my body was needing. The nurse coached me through the pushing process, counting my breaths, getting my legs in the stirrups, telling me when to push when to stop, pushing on my legs, telling me where to push into, I listened and followed commands to the best of my ability.

Shortly after our bub was born. I remember the Drs. asking us "is it a boy or a girl?" I excitedly stated it's a LOGAN! The cord was clamp he was dried up and bundled and placed on my skin. Then given the routine vit k, erythromycin, hat, diaper, weighed and measured and brought back to me.

I had a tear that needed to be stitched and I was cleaned up. I couldn't move, and was eventually wheeled over mother baby where I stayed for two nights. Being checked through the night and given around the clock pain meds. Eventually we got to go home with our precious bub, and we couldn't be more thrilled with our newest addition.

The following weeks were not what I expected, which I'll save for another post. Eventually I'd realize there was a lot to unpack and unlearn about Logans birth that I thought was normal and uncomplicated (no forceps or vacuum needed!). I had my healthy baby, that's all that mattered. This was the start of my journey to where I am today….

My perfect, healthy, beautiful boy.

We headed home from the hospital after spending two nights on mother baby. Being checked through the night, both Logan and I. Logan having blood work done to check sugars and bili levels. All was good and we headed home as a family of three.

I was not prepared for the 6-8 weeks that were to follow. 

I loved being pregnant. I loved my belly, feeling little bub move from the inside and the miracle that was taking place. What I was not prepared for was how my body would feel after giving birth. My tear   was incredibly painful, it felt like a paper cut that was never going to heal. I thought for sure something was wrong and was surprised at my 6 weeks checkup to hear everything looked great. It definitely did not feel great, which eventually led to find a pelvic floor therapist that helped with the painful scar tissue.  

I was no longer comfortable in my skin, with the extra weight that was no longer firm and tight with a growing baby, but empty, hanging and lose. I realize this is superficial, but it was an aspect I was not at all prepared for. To no longer feel like me in my own body. I feel this was compounded by the guilt I was feeling as a new mother that was having difficulty bonding with her new baby.

Logan seemed to have a strong latch while in hospital. I had inverted nipples and required a lot of assistance from nurses and lactation consultants to help us latch. As a NICU nurse who helped woman with breastfeeding I knew it was challenging but this was beyond anything I had witnessed or experienced. I also wasn't warned about the pain. The toe curling, cringeworthy, excruciating pain at first latch.

Although my labour was completely medicalized, I was determined to breastfeed at all costs. This was important to me. I would hear Logan cry or know it was getting close to a feeding and I'd wince, it was an obligation not a joy. I had to work myself up to endure the pain that was too come. Something wasn't working. I began bleeding. I started seeing lactation consultants at the free clinic who helped Chris and I with positions and techniques. I had to pump to draw out my nipples to help get them ready for Logan to latch. I tried nipple shields to help start the latch then attempt to wean off. I pumped to keep up the milk supply and keep a reserve, it was strawberry milk from the bleeding. 

I would be in tears and the difficulties with feeding, the lack of sleep, the prolonged process of shield, pumping, crying, hungry baby was too much. I felt like a terrible mother, wondered if there was something wrong. Did I lack maternal instincts? Why was I not overjoyed and overflowing with love for this precious baby?

The last LC visit I had, she was horrified. My nipples were ripped completely raw. No wonder the bleeding and the pain. She told us, this was beyond her and I needed medical help. My paediatrician at the time wasn't happy with Logan's weight gain and suggested I formula feed to top him up. He was pooping, peeing and healthy. I knew we just needed to figure each other out and we would be ok.

A gf had some Dr. Newman's nipple cream that I started using which was a life saver. I purchased Soothies, had lanolin, and did everything in the books to help with the pain and healing process.

Feeding would last a minimum 45 min and seemed to start again every 30 min. We were now going on 6 weeks and I don't know what it was but something eventually clicked. It would be around 7 weeks until we finally found our groove and Logan's weight picked right up!

During this time due to the struggles of positioning, trying to get a proper latch and the frequency I developed something called de Quervain tenosynovitis, in my thumb and wrist. It felt as if I had broken something and needed to wear a brace to help protect it while we figured out feeding.

I read recently in Ina May's Guide to Childbirth; "When avoidance of pain becomes the major emphasis of childbirth care, the paradoxical effect is that more women have to deal with pain after their babies are born." I guess this is what happened to me.

After about 8 weeks when Logan and I settled into nursing, that's when I could finally begin to bond with my beautiful boy, this boy who changed my life, my first born. It would be another 15 weeks until my nipples fully healed again and about that time my wrist also improved. Several months of seeing a pelvic floor therapist to help with the scar tissue and pain from my tear, and my favourite part was finding a stroller bootcamp, connecting with other moms, sharing stories, moving our bodies, being vulnerable and starting to reclaim myself again. This piece of the journey has a huge impact on how I began becoming curious about food and starting the process of unlearning, opening up to holistic health and finding friendships that remain today and have completely impacted my life. It was also the birth of @sweatysuccessfulmoms.

I look back now on the beginning of my motherhood story and wonder how much my labour and birth impacted these first few months. The bonding, the feeding, the pain? Was it unavoidable? Or is this another piece that has been taken away from new moms due to medical intervention? I know enough now that it can all look and feel completely different, and as I continue to reflect on my journey, and seek more wisdom I hope through my process of learning and unlearning I can help other woman do the same as we carve a new path forward, "reclaiming the rite of passage to childbirth" (Rachel Reed).

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